Almost 7 weeks……

So, is this what the first trimester feels like? Now that I am halfway through it, I am thinking that I am glad that the first trimester only happens once per pregnancy. Exhaustion, sore chest, queasy stomach? Family practically ignoring you because (I am sure) that they are thinking that it is too early to get excited? Emotions running wild? Thinking about the baby’s well-being every 2 (make that one) second(s)? Checking the nest.com website every five minutes at work to make sure that I am getting all the right information? Excitement? Stress? Worry? Extreme Happiness? Extreme Fear? Am I worthy? Feeling this overwhelming urge to scream at the top of my lungs “I am pregnant!!!!” and then stopping myself because I feel like I shouldn’t be telling anyone? What the heck……

The only thing that I know for sure is that I truly praise God every day. I talk to him in the morning, afternoon and at nighttime to make sure the He understands how grateful that I truly am for this wonderful gift. I have a chance to have another human being growing inside of me. Some women will never have this chance and I get to be one of the lucky ones. I get to carry on Keith and my genes to our children and for that, my eyes well up with tears. I don’t feel worthy. I think a lot of my scars and feelings come from my journey with infertility. I know some women really have had a longer struggle than I, but even my measly 12 month time period was an eye-opening, lesson-provoking journey. I love my little beaner and I now cannot imagine my life without having my own children; without experiencing firsthand what it feels like to be pregnant. When I was going through my infertility struggle the thought of never having my own children would run through my mind every day. I felt like I had to be mentally prepared for that reality because, when you aren’t getting pregnant and you really want to be pregnant, you can’t help thinking the worst case scenario. Now that I am pregnant, I feel like I could never imagine not being able to have children. I used to wonder how people could have empathy for my situation that had never experienced infertility. Now I know how. Anyone with a child of their own can empathize as they could never imagine their life without their son/daughter. I think that is why I always felt such true and genuine empathy from my BFF as she could never imagine her life without Livy. It kinda all makes sense now.

I have my first ultrasound on Tuesday! I can’t even believe it. It seems like just yesterday I became a mom-to-be……and I thought that time would stand still!!! Yeah right! I can’t wait to see the little beaner’s heartbeat and get some sort of reassurance that things are progressing the way that they should. I just feel like I haven’t had the energy or the inclination to exercise and/or make big healthy dinners. I eat smaller meals and it usually consists of whatever doesn’t make my stomach turn. I just hope that they little beaner is getting what he/she needs. I am trying to keep away from stress and if I do feel stress, find an outlet for it. I don’t want the beaner to be harmed because his/her mommy is a basketcase. I could never forgive myself if something happened and I could have prevented it, somehow. I need to stay focused and listen to what my body needs. And I KNOW that my body does not need hot fudge sundaes from McDonald’s every night. I am pretty sure of that. LOL!
Signing off……I will update my site after my ultrasound on Tuesday. I hope and pray that I will be receiving NOTHING but good news. Who knows, maybe there are 2 or 3 beaners in there? OMG! I can’t even imagine!!!!