September 2005- My first appointment at Fertility Clinic

This brings me to about September, 2005. Graduation from UB!!!!! No more teachers, no more books! Thank goodness. Jennifer M. (Kaminskas) Thompson MSW. Impressive. It really didn't mean much to me though. I was happy of my scholarly accomplishments but I still wasn't a mom. This month, Dr. V told me that I would be on 100 mg. of Clomid and that she was going to have me go to a fertility specialist to do ultrasounds to monitor how well the Clomid was working. Enter.......The Fertility Care Center.

My first appointment was scary. I entered the room and saw all these sad, desperate faces. The lady at the desk greeted me with a smile but I did not want to admit that I was there like the rest of them, "to be fixed". I signed in and waited for the doctor to see me. Dr H called me back and I almost ran into the room. She was blunt, not a amiable nice bedside manner. She did an ultrasound and told me that there was more of me to fix. She seemed angry, almost accusatory..........."DO you KNOW that YOU have Poly-Cystic OVARY syndrome (PCOS)?" I told her I hadn't. I asked her questions, she referred me to the internet. She told me that my PCOS was bad. That there were holes in my ovaries and it would make it very very very very very very very very very very very very (I think she only said it once but it felt like a million) difficult for me to become pregnant on my own. She also told me that the Clomid wasn't working and that my eggs were not ready yet (she made it sound like she was talking about some over-easy eggs that I was trying to order for breakfast). THEY AREN'T READY YET!!!!! She told me to come back in a week and they would check me again.

She left the room and I started crying. This was the first time that I had gotten any medical clarity on my situation, and it was more bad news. I was sad. I was pained. I was thinking about all the women in the world that get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Women that don't even want to be pregnant. I cursed God and wondered why He would do something like this to me? I consider myself a good person. I consider myself a Christian that always puts others before myself. Why is it that the first time that I really was trying to something for me, it wasn't possible? Why is it that I am at a perfect place in my life to have a child, but my body is rejecting the whole idea of it? I cried, I balled, and I hoped that no one would walk in on me having an emotional breakdown. I pulled myself together and walked out of the room to schedule my next appt. Again, I walk out to the waiting room. More sad, "unfixable" faces. They stared at me as if to say "She BETTER NOT have gotten GOOD news.......I deserve the GOOD news".