Post Christmas- Day 4, Thompson's Log

Let me re-cap. Now you all know that I am not pregnant, that is true. I got my period on Christmas Eve and it is still hanging around on Day 4. I am cool with that, even though it sucks not being pregnant..... I am happy that I actually got a period and my doc was pretty happy too. Considering this meant that I ovulated at some point in the last 2 weeks.....this is a good thing. Remember folks, small miracles at a time. Patience is a virtue (and all that jazz).

Each cycle, it feels like mommyhood is getting closer and closer. I hope that I am right and not just listening to what others say. I really don't know how much more of this emotional rollercoaster I can take. But then again, the alternative is not acceptable to me. I am not ready to accept defeat in my quest. It just is not possible.

This process seems, at least, a predictable cycle. This usually means that I am feeling pretty crappy on Days 1-3......I feel like a failure in every sense of the word and I feel like this is never going to happen to me....I feel pretty good on Days 4-5 of my cycle b/c I get a new clean slate and a new plan from my doc. On days 6-8 I am feeling pretty shitty b/c of the Clomid side effects. The days I start my injections I feel pretty good, in control. On the days that I am going in to the doc's office for my ultrasounds, I am bummed b/c usually my eggs are not ripening fast enough.......and then the WAIT after my eggs are ready and after I am inseminated UGH! I hate that wait!!!! It is so hard to be patient and not run to the drug store to buy tests. That is the worst! And then the day that I test and it is negative. That is a pretty bad day too. But at least I get a couple good days in there. Thank God for that.

My New Year's Resolution is going to start earlier than expected. Instead of my 16 oz. caffeine rule, I am only going to have 8 oz per day. Instead of eating carbs and whatever else I feel like, I am limiting my carbs to BREAKFAST ONLY! The rest of my day I will eat only meat, protein, veggies etc. I am going to become more active, get off my ass and MOVE! I need to work these cysts off my ovaries! I need to be more strict with myself. I am so concentrated on getting pregnant, that I am thinking that what I put in my body and how little I excersise, does not matter. Well.....it does! And I need to be more proactive in this process.

C'mon Baby Thompson. I need you, we all need you here :/

A Sadder Little Christmas

A sad little Christmas

I didn’t follow my own advice and took a pregnancy test yesterday. I really tried to be strong, to ignore the question that kept popping in my head. Could I be celebrating my first Christmas as a mom? Could it really be my turn to be blessed?

I stared at the ONE pink line for what seemed to be hours. How could there be ONE pink line? I prayed for TWO! I wanted TWO.

I praise God for what blessings that I do have in my life….I really do. I thank Him everyday for my family and friends. I don’t want to sound ungrateful in any sense of the word, but……I just get sad sometimes. I get lonely sometimes. I get inpatient sometimes. Please forgive me Lord for these shortcomings. I try to be strong. I try to be a rock. I mean, was I really expecting to get pregnant the FIRST cycle with the fertility clinic? Was I really? Yes. I guess (as unrealistic as it sounds) I was. I just thought that it would be my Christmas miracle.

To all my family and friends who take the time to read my blog for updates……Have a Safe and Wonderful Holiday Season. Remember the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ and remember the reason for this joyous season. Please be patient with me, dear family and friends. If I don’t seem like myself this Holiday season, please don’t feel sorry for me. I am just dealing with my own issues. I will have a sadder little Christmas this year but remember…..I love you all…..

Fall off the Face of the Earth?

No. I didn’t, but I have been busy. Let me re-cap for you. The last time we spoke, I was in “a funk”. Now I am elated  (Yes. My bipolar disorder is in full effect!) I talked to my doc on Friday who told me to come in on Saturday for an ultrasound. My bloodwork keeps coming back with great Estrodial #’s and they wondered why my little eggies were only 12mm on Wednesday? Well…..when I went to see the doc on Saturday, Stella and Grace (one in each ovary) almost doubled in size. They were 23 and 22.5 mm! Who-hoo!!! The doc was very pleased and smiled thoroughout my appointment. Now mind you, doctors never smile throughout my appointment b/c they usually have just given me horrible news. So, needless to say, I was pleased. The plan was, for me to have someone inject me (with a HUGE, 3 inch, SCARY-LOOKING needle) on Saturday night between 10pm-12midnight with my HSG. This would release little Stella and Grace into my fallopian tubes and then on to my uterus for (what we hoped to be) fertilization and the creation of Baby (Babies) T. I was all about it. Sign me up. I wondered, though, how they could trust Keith and I with such a HUMUNGOUS needle? Are you kidding? That is amazing.

So on Saturday, with the help of my own personal RN (my Aunt Janine), the HSG was injected into my hip and hopefully this was the beginning of a great week. Let me tell you, I am not sure what my aunt did, but I never even felt that HUMUNGOUS needle pierce my skin. She is that good (even at 10:30pm with just the glow of the Christmas lights to guide her!). The next step was on to Dr. M’s office today to have an IUI (inuterine insemination). Keith’s swimmers ended up being 95% effective after the “wash” and everything looked great. Who-hoo !The insemination MAYBE took 3 minutes. Keith was there afterwards to great me with a smile, and all in all, the procedure was unworthy of explaining. Here’s a recap from what I remember…..in goes the speculum, in goes the straw-looking device with the plunger attached. ZOOP! The plunger is pressed in, and the speculum comes out. Painless, no big deal. I didn’t even have to wait after the procedure to get dressed and sit up. Without going in to WAY too much detail, my doctor said things looked great and there was no need to lie flat at all today.

Now……the wait begins. My doc said that I could most likely take a test on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and find out whether things were + or – but I think I am going to wait until at least Tuesday, the 27th. I don’t want to ruin the holiday for me or any of my family if there isn’t good news………I just warn you all…… I am going to have all the pregnancy symptoms in the book the next 2 weeks. Why? Because as hard as I try not to be, I am a hypochonridriac (sp?). You can’t help it when you are trying to get pregnant. Everything that you feel is somehow related to pregnancy no matter what it is. Oh! I have a blister, it must mean that I am pregnant. Oh! I can’t even look at food right now, it must mean that I am pregnant. I will try not to do this but…..just take my hypochondriac statements with a grain of salt. The true “test” will come in 2 weeks. Please keep me in your prayers.

A Sad Day :(

Just a sad day today. I hope I get out of this funk........I used all my energy with my patients and co-workers today and I have none left for myself. I do that a lot.......Lack of energy= depression and lack of motivation. I am totally bummed b/c I am having company on Saturday and have NO TIME WHATSOEVER to clean besides tonight. I feel like curling into the fetal position, having a nice cry and going to bed. Hopefully the doc will have good news for me tomorrow. I am praying that Saturday will be insemination day. Please, Lord answer my prayers...........................

Sometimes I Feel Like I Might Be Bipolar

My day started with excitement (extreme mania). I called Dr. M’s office this morning and they said that my Estrodial level was at 287 from yesterday’s bloodwork. That is excellent, seeing as I had had an additional 75 units of Follistim since the bloodwork, and the target should be around 300. They wanted to see me immediately for an ultrasound to see if tomorrow morning might be insemination day J I was so excited. I kept thinking…..this is it. This is really it. This is my 1st “real cycle” of trying with all my ducks in a row. My HSG test went great, my bloodwork looks good, my ovaries feel like they are about to pop out of my abdomen so the injections must be working. Things are good. Hmm…..the trials and tribulations of infertility. As quickly and simply as it takes to get really, really happy about something, it is equally as quick and simple to get really, really bummed. I went to the office during my lunch break. I waited for at least 30 min to be seen and while I was waiting (because the office is so darn small and you can hear everything that is going on in every room) I heard two patients talking with the receptionist (at different times) about being pregnant with twins. They were showing their sonograms to the receptionist and they were talking all about how they were going to be busy buying “double”. I was so happy for them. They were so cute, so excited! I thought to myself “This is a sign”, this is it...I am about to get really good news. Baby T could be created tomorrow! Who-hoo!!!

I went in and the darn intern was there again. She is nice, so I can’t complain too much but when you are going through all that I am going through, I want to be greedy and have Dr. M all to myself. When she is there, she asks a million questions and his attention is turned to her. I know how it feels to be an intern, so I always agree to have her come in but…..it still bothers me a little. So during my ultrasound, Dr. M told me that things were looking good but that my eggs were only about 12mm today. I have 2, one on each side that are equally large (I’ll call them Stella and Grace). Stella was 12mm and Grace was around 11.5mm. Stella and Grace needed to be at least 18mm to be considered “viable follicles”. I thought “Wow! I was on 5 days of Clomid and then 4 days of injections and STILL my eggs aren’t big enough?”. Dr. M wasn’t so concerned. He again told me that things were progressing normally and that he was going to decrease my Follistim to 50 units. He told me to make sure that I got bloodwork tomorrow and then we would re-evaluate on Friday. If things were looking good, we could be looking at Saturday for insemination. I am a concrete person so I am not good at change when it has to do with something as big as having a baby. I thought for sure things were great and I would be OK to be inseminated tomorrow. Then.....I have to wait til Friday to find out if everything looks OK for Saturday. Jeepers! I know it seems like no big deal, to wait 2 more days......but I just want concrete good news. Maybe not that I am pregnant (the ultimate goal) but that the medicines that make me so damn ill, are working and it is all worth it.......Is that so friggin hard?

I was so happy this morning in anticipation of good news. I was cracking jokes with my co-workers, things were good. I came back from my appointment and the only thing I had energy to do was to eat lunch and stare blankly at my computer screen (total depression). Sometimes I really feel like I might have bipolar disorder.

Tomorrow will be a better day, it really has to be.

So happy and relieved

Today was my HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) test. I have never ever been through any type of medical test before so I was quite nervous. My understanding was that they were (in VERY SIMPLE TERMS) going to insert a tube through my cervix into my uterus containing dye. The dye would be injected into my uterus and flow through each fallopian tube. If, on the x-ray screen, you saw each little fallopian tube fill with dye, we knew that my tubes were not blocked and really my only problem was my lack of ovulation.

HERE IS MY WARNING.......the more you know about all this stuff (especially from people with BAD experiences), the more nervous you get. That is why I ask you, my friends and family, PLEASE keep me away from the internet while I am pregnant. I don't want to know......I want to be surprised and allowed to have my own experience, not compare what I feel to other strangers. I want to talk to my mom and my BFF about what it is like to be prego.....NO ONE ELSE! I wasn't nervous at all until I went to a few post sites last night to see what women thought about the HSG. Most of them said that it was no big deal. But there were 2 posts from women that FREAKED me right out. They said that when the tube went through your cervix, it was the most intense pain that they had ever experienced.......they said that they bled for days......some women even said that she squeezed her radiology tech's hand so hard, it broke ......YOWSER! So I was calm, cool and collected and then......the internet seeped in.....damnit!

So I left work and traveled to my home away from home, the fertility clinic. I paid my $40 ($20 to Dr. M' s office and $20 to the office that I would be having my procedure......those money suckers!!!) and waited to go in. I looked around the waiting room and notices that I was the youngest by at least 40 years (they all kinda looked like Grandpa Joe.....which was kind of comforting in a weird way). I was called in and told to strip down in a 20-degree closet. I mean, I don't think it was an actual closet but it was smaller than any closet in my house and it had the accordian door looking thing that squeeked when it closed. Man! I hope Preferred Care knows that they are paying like MEGA BUCKS for this exam and IDE gives you a closet to change in.......The called me back to the scariest room that I had ever seen. There were HUGE unnatural-looking machines everywhere and they told me to lay on this table. OK. The table looked like something out of a morgue. It was stainless steel and really long. Man! You want me to lay on that? Where is the Sealy? How about some of that foam? The radiology tech said lay down, so I laid down. I tried to make small talk while we waited for Dr. M to come (yeah! I get to see Dr. M today) to do the procedure. The tech wasn't impressed........

Dr. M came in with an intern (I didn't care b/c she was really nice) and did the procedure in like 5 minutes. A little pain at first, but then......nothing. Cramps like you would feel the 2nd day of your period. Actually, they were not even bad enough to comment on.......After he inserted the dye, the radiology doctor (not sure her name but she was a very kind woman) came in and turned the screen towards me and Dr. M. (who was holding my hand......he is so damn cute!). I saw the dye shoot through my left ovary but there was nothing happening on the right side. In my head, I thought, "I have a block.......something else is wrong with me". I knew if my thoughts proved correct, someone would have to call my husband to CARRY me out of the exam room b/c I would be so depressed. Dr. M instructed me to tip my hips to the right to allow gravity to take over and coax the dye through the right side. I stared at the screen......and then I saw the most beautiful sight......dye quickly filled my right ovary and Dr. M smiled and told me that "everything is perfect" and that "this is the start of a lot more good news for you, Jennifer". And then I did what came naturally...........................................I BALLED. I don't think I have felt a high like that in MONTHS! I was so happy and crying, you would have thought someone told me that I won the lottery. But I did...... I won the right to be normal for a day! Who-hoo :) Oh yeah, one thing I did learn off the internet (which Dr. M confirmed) was that the HSG actually improved fertility b/c it got rid of any buildup in your fallopian tubes, making a nice clear path for a fertililzed follicle. Hey.....I'll take it!

So here is something stupid I said.......just for laughs. I mean, if you can't laugh at yourself, what good are you? Before Dr. M left the room, I asked......"So this ink that is inside me........is it blue? Am I going to leak out blue ink?" (thinking I was going to spill out blue discharge onto my pants and in my car). Dr. M cracked up and said in his cute little accent "Jennifer, is not a pen ink, is a dye......most likely will be brown but if it is blue, call me ASAP!" (he then passed me a maxi-pad.......ah! that is where that damn ink is going to go.....). LOL!

Ok....I am prepping for my 2nd injection. Wish me luck. Thank you Lord, another blessing today.........

Needles in my Belly

Yowser! I did my first injection tonight. It really wasn't as horrible as I thought but I psyched myself out pretty bad. I had been obsessing over it all day, I mean c'mon guys.......who injects themselves with $700 worth of medication in a week's time (OK.....and I am not talking the illgeal stuff either)? I was wondering if I would have the guts to give myself the first shot.

So I read, and re-read the directions......and read and re-read the directions and read and......oh well you get the point. After about 15-20 minutes of this, I actually started taking the things that I would need, out of their packaging......SLOWLY but surely. Alcohol swabs- CHECK! Scary Needles- CHECK! Expensive Medication in a Weird Looking Vile- CHECK! Little Cotton Squares to Mop Up the Blood from My Tiny Little Pin Prick of a Hole in My Skin- CHECK! Ok.....I got the goods. What to do next. I inserted the vile of my $700 medication into my little Follistim Pen (I don't want to explain what this is, so if you are curious, check a website.....I am sure it is like Follistim.com or something or another), inserted my needle and then.........Held it really close to my skin without actually puncturing it for (what seemed to be) FOREVER!!!! C'mon chicken! Do it!!! Do it!!!! I don't know what pushed me over the edge but finally, needle and skin met and POOF! It was done. My 75 dosage went right into my belly (above the naval). And it felt kinda like tweezing a hair from that area. It doesn't hurt when you do it, but afterwards it stings a little.

Now that I have that done with, all I have left to obsess over is my HSG test tomorrow. I am supposed to be in a little pain for 24-48 hrs. afterwards......on top of taking that God-forsaken Glucophage and injecting my belly with a needle......and.....YOU CAN'T FORGET ABOUT THE AFTERMATH OF CLOMID THE TERRIBLE :( ARGH! You try putting X-mas lights and decorations up when you are taking a drug that makes you want to poke everyone's eyes out with toothpicks......(Ok.....it's not that bad for me.....but truthfully, ask KEITH how bad it really is). But all jokes aside, it is all for a good cause. May God have his hand on me throughout this cycle.......I hope these little needles in my belly are the answers to all my prayers.

Goodnite and God bless :)

A wintery Sunday morning

Don't you just love winter? I mean, going out in it is one thing, but really LOOKING at winter is amazing. As I sit here blogging......I stare outside and watch each little diamond glittery snowflake make it' s way from the heavens to it's destined resting place. It doesn't know where it is going, it just has faith that it will get to where it has to go, for all to be admired.

My favorite time of year.......it truly is. My thoughts are filled with wedding memories, Christmas' of the past and the potential of a new year. God has truly blessed me and sometimes I wonder how a girl like me, got so very lucky. A loving husband who makes me feel beautiful everyday, a dog who (even after having an accident on the floor) can make me smile when I am taking myself too seriously, an array of friendships that nurture my soul, unconditional family support in any form, a career for myself and my husband that allows us a lifestyle that is comfortable. Although I struggle with infertility, it is God's plan to show me the patience in wanting. Patience has never been a strength of mine but I am seeing where it fits in His plan for me. Praise God for every miracle in my life.........Hallelujuah!

$700 worth of drugs for $50

Yeah! I got it :) I start on Sunday. Cross your fingers and toes!!!!

Good Morning Everyone

Ok. It is 6:34am and I am blogging? Shouldn't I be in the shower, getting ready for work or something? I just wanted to fill everyone in that SO FAR no calls.......So I am assuming it is a go for the injectibles :) If I am wrong......I will update but I really hope I'm not!

No sleep last night, worrying :( Plus, my hubby SNORED and SNORED and SNORED all friggin night long. I love ya, Keith, but not the part of your body that snores (no offense).

Happy December 1st! 24 more shopping days til X-mas, people!!!!