Almost 5 weeks…..

After talking with my doctor and getting my blood pregnancy test and HSG levels checked, it was confirmed that I am pregnant! My doc told me that everything looks perfect so far and I was relieved. I can’t be seen for an ultrasound until 7weeks so we scheduled my first appointment at his office for Valentine’s Day at 9am! At that time I will be able to see the little beaner(s) and possibly listen to the heartbeat. I am soooooo excited and I SO WANT 7 weeks to come like, yesterday!!!! But I have learned patience from this whole experience so I will just wait.

On Sunday, I will be 5 weeks pregnant. How does it feel? It feels a good mixture of the most happy that I have ever felt mixed with an equal part of the most frightened I could ever feel. I lovingly named the new life growing inside of my “the beaner”. I haven’t even met the beaner yet but I am so in love with him/her, I can’t even explain it to you. I dream about my new family and my new role in this world and I feel an unbelievable amount of peace and happiness. This is what I was meant to do and I am so excited to see my son/daughter for the first time. Only 35 weeks until that happens  But this is perfectly OK with me…..I will just enjoy the ride. I waited too long to rush this whole process along.

I pray that everything goes OK for me and that my beaner stays growing inside of me and remains healthy throughout my pregnancy. I can’t wait until I can take that breathe of fresh air to know that I have my first trimester behind me and I start getting really excited picking out paint colors for the nursery, thinking up names, looking forward to my shower. For now, I will just praise God everyday for this miracle and continue to pray for my little beaner. Who said that miracles don’t happen? It happened for me!!!!!!!!!!

The Good News

On January 21st at 7am, I found out the best news of my life……I am sure all my readers can guess but I will go on with the details.

I have a “5 Things to Be Happy About” calendar on my desk. It is my fave! I look forward to ripping off the first page every morning to find out what it is that I have to be happy about on any given day. Well on January 18th, I was a little anxious and looked forward to January 19th’s “5 things”. To my surprise, I saw that the 5th reason to be happy on January 19th was “a baby giggling”. Now, any other person would have looked at this, thought “how cute” and moved on. To a woman trying to conceive, though, I took it as an instant “sign”. I made up my mind that the morning of the 19th, I would take a test and I just knew it would be positive! That morning, I woke up at my usual time, went into the bathroom and took my last First Response pregnancy test. I didn’t even wait around; I immediately went downstairs to fix myself something for breakfast. I have taken a million pregnancy tests in the past year, I am used to the drill. I returned 5 minutes later to a VERY VERY VERY faint 2nd pink line. Could it be? No. No way. I have gotten the infamous VERY VERY VERY faint pink 2nd line in the past and it got my hopes up…..only to be dashed when I found out I wasn’t pregnant. I put the image out of my mind and swore to myself that I was not going to test until that coming Saturday (the day that my doc told that I would most likely get the best result). I also swore that I was not going to use any more of those “line” tests and get me a digital test that took the guesswork out of things. That night I bought a digital test which would read
”pregnant or not pregnant”. Simple. I like it.

On January 21st, I woke up early for some reason…….most likely in anticipation of “the test”. I rolled out of bed, went into the bathroom and took the test. I looked at it and in 30 seconds, it read “pregnant”. I went into shock. No way. NO WAY! I started screaming and crying and screaming and calling for Keith. Keith came running up the stairs to find me crouched in a ball at the top saying “I can’t believe it” (this is the same thing that I said when he asked me to marry him). He took the test from my hands and smiled the biggest smile I had ever seen!!!! I WAS PREGNANT!!!! I REALLY WAS!!!! IT SAID SO!!!!! After one year of hell, God was blessing me with a child. My own child! Keith and I are going to be parents! OH MY GOODNESS!

Then I thought back to my symptoms from the last week: not being able to stay awake past 8pm, heartburn, cramping, chest soreness, headaches, being an emotional mess (mostly a bitch). Aha! This is was pregnancy feels like, eh? I get it! I see the difference.

I proceeded to take 2 more tests that morning, all which came back positive. This was it! I was going to be a mommy! I was so happy, feeling so blessed. And then……the other emotions flooded in and now I feel even more bi-polar than before.

Praise GOD!!!!! Remember everyone, PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS (and even then, don’t stop praying)!!!!!

A simple prayer to St. David

Thank you, Lord for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.

As patient as I can be

One week after my IUI. Only one more week til I can test. I don't know what to make of my symptoms. I had some nasty acid reflux last night.......My chest is starting to get sore.......I have some weird warming, cramp-like sensations in my ovary/uterus area.....I am so tired that I can never stay awake past 9pm......I am starving and then don't want to eat anything. But of coarse these could be period symptoms. I hate that I have such evident PMS symptoms because I always confuse them for being pregnant. When I am, finally pregnant, I will laugh at myself for getting all excited because I feel this way. My pregnancy symptoms will probably be nothing like what I've listed above.

I'll tell you something. I am trying not to get my hopes up but last night as I lay on the couch, I thought "Hey, maybe next weekend will be the best weekend of my life because I will know that Keith and I are going to be parents". I can't help it.......I am trying to imagine that it will happen so that the probabillity of it actually occuring, increases. I am going to wait longer to test than I did last time, though. Something is telling me to try on Thursday. So I think I am going to aim for a test on Thursday and then if that is negative, test again on Saturday/Sunday.

I have prayed every day. PUSH!

An unearthly whisper in my ear

This post was written on 1/13/06 and then put in my draft bin. I did not publish this post until today 1/24/06 for a reason. Here is an example of how strong of a presence God is on my life.....

Now I am not going to advertise that I am blogging this as I don't really want to jinx myself. The strangest thing happened yesterday as I was sitting at my desk at work. I was going through some old files on patients that have decided that they have better things to do than follow up with me. I got a little frustrated because there were so many so I decided to take a break and do a little "infertility research on Unity time". I clicked on Internet Explorer to go to my favorite PCOS site and all of a sudden it was like someone else was in the room with me. I looked over my shoulder and no one was there. Weird, I thought. And then it felt like this invisible warming presence was standing right over me, holding my hand, calming my nerves and I heard the faintest whisper in my ear "Jenn, you are pregnant. It was your time". Ok. Then the tears started streaming down my face. Am I crazy? Am I hallucinating? But the thing was, I knew I wasn't. Someone, not of this Earth, was in my office yesterday attempting to comfort me. Now I am not a betting woman but even if I was, I would not believe that I was pregnant. But I definitely can't get that whisper out of my head. Whether they meant that this cycle worked for me, or eventually it was all going to work out for me, I appreciate the message.

After doing some "Shilo-shopping" at Petsmart and some "people shopping" at Wegmans yesterday, I came home and really listened. To what, you might ask, I am not sure. I just listened and made myself an outlet for any other messages. I truly believe that God was with me yesterday, knowing my pain and knowing that I am struggling. He wanted me to know His message and renew my sense of faith in this lesson that He is trying to teach me.

IUI or bust

I am about to jump in the shower and start my day. I didn't sleep too well last night in anticipation of my IUI. Can everyone send ++++++ vibes out to the universe today at around 11:30? I know the doc says that my chances are not as good as last time but just because my eggies didn't look perfect, doesn't mean that it won't work. Happiness can come from imperfection......can't it? We just have to stay +++++. At least I get 2 weeks off poking and prodding, office visits and disapointment. That's gotta be worth something, right?

PUSH

2nd Post In One Day!

I just wanted to update everyone on where I am in my cycle this time. Tomorrow is IUI day for me. The follicles don't look as good as they did last cycle but the doc feels confident to try anyways. It looks like we are playing with 3 eggies this time. I can handle that. The worst case scenario is triplets. My life would be interesting for the first 4 years before they headed off to school but I could have 3 children in one shot and maybe leave this infertility nightmare behind for good. My aunt gave me the "shot in the butt" last night at 11:45pm. Let's go eggies, it is time to leave your smiley-faced cave and GET FERTILIZED :)

I read a blog site today in between my taking down Christmas decorations and doing pretty much nothing.......It was a 27 year old girl that just found out that she was pregnant after 3 years of trying. She wrote about feeling happy yet still having some very real scars from her 3 year journey. She wrote about her infertility as like it was going through the treatment of an illness. It sparked something inside me. Yes! This is just like going through an illness. Alcoholism, renal failure, cancer, diabetes.....they are all illnesses. People go through treatment, they see doctors, they get tests, they muddle through interventions. Just like me. I guess I never looked at it that way before. Just like no one can take away a loved one's diabetes, no one can take away my infertility. The only difference is that people are OK TALKING about diabetes. They talk about their blood sugar levels, the foods that they need to stay away from.....family and friends are easy to give away empathy and support. But when you are talking about infertility.....well that is different. This is taboo. People don't talk about it and when they do, they act all weird like they shouldn't. I am even like that. I talk about it and then I stop myself most times.....Am I being depressing? Why am I troubling someone else with something that it really my problem? If I talk about it, will I be putting out negativity into the universe and then I won't get pregnant this cycle? Man! The pressure. I thanked this girl for blogging her journey because it really helped me to understand my own feelings. I congratulated her on her success and empathized with her scars and pain. I think about how it will be for myself to find out that I am pregnant. I will be elated and scared at the same time. All the while I will be reflecting on my own journey. I just hope that my scars will eventually heal from all this and one day I can look back and (like Lisa and I talk about) barely recall any of this pain.

PUSH

Infertility Motivation Owed to Guns and Roses ??

Sometimes you get the word of God in the weirdest places. Today was my 3rd day of running/walking on my new treadmill. It really feels great. My body has SOOOOOO missed those endophins. Before I started my walk (today is Sunday, I WALK on Sundays) on my new tready, I decided to update my Ipod with some new "get motivated" tunes. I uploaded Michael Jackson's Beat It, Can't Stop Til You Get Enough and Smooth Criminal. I dabbled in a little Eye of the Tiger. I grabbed Nelly's Hot In Herre and Blink 182's All the Small Things. I was ready!

I started my walk watching Road Rules/Real World Challenge while I listened to my tunes. The first song was odd, I didn't recognize the 1st notes. Did I upload this? I don't remember. It was Guns and Roses "Sweet Child of Mine". Now I know most of my readers believe in divine intervention. Well, folks, it happened to me today. I listened to the words and I broke out into the BIGGEST grin. Sweet Child of Mine. Yeah! What motivation. I am eating better, excersising, identifying one happy thing in life everyday all for.......that Sweet Child of Mine. Thanks for the inspiration Lord. I guess I really didn't want the Blink 182 song anyway. The Guns and Roses throwback was enough motivation to last me through this cycle :)

Visual Imagery

I thought that the readers of my blog might want to know what I do every night before I go to bed. Of course this all depends on where I am in my cycle but I will tell you what I did last night.

To start off, I had a doc’s appointment yesterday afternoon. On the ultrasound, it showed that I have around 8 follicles getting bigger at the same time (8 follicles could equal 8 babies= NOT KOSHER). One was substantially larger than the others, but the doc was worried that the medicine hyperstimulated my ovaries this cycle. We’ll have to take it day by day to see if I will be able to “try” this cycle. God help me if I cannot, but I will stay on the positive side. Anyways…..with Tuesday, started my New Year. The New Year inspired me to get back on track with my eating and last night Keith and I took all the gift certificates that we got for Christmas and bought a treadmill. Motivation! My acupuncturist told me that I needed to “see my goal” and by thinking what I wanted to happen, it would inspire my body to follow suit. I took it to the next level and this is how it went:

I imagine my ovaries. I don’t think of them with a million cysts, I think of them as two beautifully round, perfect little egg caves. In my thoughts, my ovaries have little smiley faces and encourage others to “have a nice day”. Hee Hee. I picture on my right side one large follicle and on my left side, two smaller follicles. I send them energy, love and encouragement. I guide them toward the right path. “Ok now eggies, get bigger! Ok eggies, your journey is going to take you through my perfect round smiley shaped ovary into my fallopian tubes. Once you are in my fallopian tubes, I want you to keep your eye on the prize and meet my wonderful husband Keith (well…..his sperm, that is). Once you meet up with Keith, allow his sperm to come in to talk a bit and if you like him, tell him that he can stay and create Baby Thompson. I mean, I am sure that you will like him, he is totally adorable. I imagine myself pregnant in cute little pregnancy clothes that I know that I will never be able to afford. I imagine myself at the birth, holding my newborn in my arms and kissing him/her gently on the forehead. I imagine my Keith, family and friends around me, welcoming our newborn into our little family. And I smile, and I giggle…..seeing it all so perfectly. And then I open my eyes and know that it has to happen. I can see it in my mind, God just has to believe it is the right time for me. There is no way that I can convince Him. It will be when it is supposed to be.

So that’s how it goes. I think a lot about where I am now, and where I was. I hit rock bottom every week and every week I pick myself back up again. I don’t think I could ever do it without all the love and support that I have right now. It just wouldn’t be humanely possible. This truly, without a doubt in my mind, will be one of the hardest things that I will ever do. I wonder how I have made it this far in my journey, as I watch others that find out they are pregnant, almost effortlessly. I wonder how I will make it through a new day with no good news. I guess I find the joy in small things now. Hot orange pekote tea (Ok! I am switching to green tea tomorrow but for now that is all I have in my office) in the morning, a smile from a patient that I helped, good conversation with my BFF, the way that Keith looks at me in the morning (like this is the first time he has ever set his eyes on me), warm- fuzzy- grandma Jenny made-slippers, organic pears (yum!), my 100 things to be happy about desk calendar…..cheezy stuff that other people take for granted. I focus on these small things so (as I have said before) when the big miracles come, I am prepared with an appropriate response 

Peace, Love and Happiness to you On This Gloomy Thursday.

PUSH

Alzheimer's Sets In

Can I tell you that I totally forgot to get my bloodwork done yesterday? Here I am days away from an IUI and I forget to get bloodwork done? Do I want kids that badly? That is crazy. I mean....I knew I had to do it, and I walked right out of St. Mary's without having it done. Am I kidding? NO! I swear. At around 5:20pm I realized what I had done. There was one blood lab open til 5:30 and I raced there.....with no regard for my life or anyone else's for that matter. At 5:29 I pulled in and every light was off and door was locked. DAMNIT!

I hit rock bottom yesterday and without rehashing everything, so I don't totally depress all my readers, if Lucy didn't answer the phone last night and say all the uplifting things that she did, I am not sure where I would be today. Of course I didn't sleep too well. I dreamed a bunch of wierd dark dreams. But I am here today, ready for another fight. I pray that Monday is my IUI and that the 8 follicles (YES! EIGHT!) that I have ripening up right now in my ovary, CHILL!!!! I only need 2 or 3 guys......that's it!

As one of my readers indicated, all I can do is PUSH! (Pray Until Something Happens)

Sad, Out of Control, Guilt

I don’t want to get too deep on anyone. But hell, this is my blog…..why not say what I really feel? It is the beginning of the New Year and I don’t want to depress anyone too much so please don’t read this if you are prone to overempathizing. . My emotions have been all out of wack the last week or so. This could have something to do with Christmas withdrawl? Too much bad food? A lame New Years? My first failed Injection Trial? Feeling very distant from friends and family? I am not sure exactly where the sadness is coming from but now I know what it feels like to feel, well……just plain sad. I feel sad pretty much all the time now. I am waiting for the change in my mood, I hope it is right around the corner, but until then…….I guess I am just plain sad. My hope is depleting, I feel tired and engergyless (a word?). I don’t even have the energy to come up with another word for energyless, which in turn, makes me sad  Man! I am pathetic.

I went to the Acupuncturist (a new one) today and she put me on some herbs to take until I have my IUI. I am going to Abundance today to get myself back on my organic wagon. I am trying to get back that feeling of control, because of late, I feel very out of control. I can’t control my mood, I can’t control my body, I can’t control what goes in my mouth, I can’t control how much money I spend, I can’t control where I live, I can’t control what is going on with the house on Merriman, I can’t control my messy house, I can’t control…………well you get the picture. It is really hard to deal with. I try to do little things that trick my body into thinking I have more control than I do, but that usually backfires too. I had a great idea of starting to work out more at home, my husband wanting to buy a treadmill. Then we went out to the store and the thought of spending $600 freaked me out………….and then I felt sad and out of control for freaking out.

I started reading the book, The Infertility Cure (recommended to me by my Acupuncturist). The book’s content is excellent and it really makes sense but the feeling of guilt that I have b/c I didn’t know the things that the book is telling me ahead of time, it enormous. Had I known, I would have started out with Eastern Medicine 6 months before I tried to get pregnant. Now, I feel it is too late and that makes me sad too. AH! I need something in my life that doesn’t make me feel out of control, guilty or sad. Any ideas?